My quest for Bizarro Christopher Paolini
Above: Evil, evil Real Christopher Paolini.
I have embarked on a search for the perfect author. He is Bizarro Christopher Paolini.
Bizarro Christopher Paolini is the exact opposite of the real Christopher Paolini (pictured above). Bizarro Christopher Paolini was created when Lex Luthor tried to clone the real Christopher Paolini in a secret lab but something went wrong and Bizarro Paolini emerged from the cloning vat. The clone shared similar characteristics in looks and interests but was very different in talent and attitude.
For example Bizarro Paolini is humble whereas Real Paolini states:
"In my writing, I strive for a lyrical beauty somewhere between Tolkien at his best and Seamus Heaney's translation of Beowulf."
Bizarro Paolini is also an original writer. His stories aren't complete rip-offs of Star Wars like Real Paolini. As one disappointed Amazon reviewer stated after reading Real Paolini's latest novel:
...at the end when Murtagh tells Eragon they are brothers, Eragon denies it and then what does Murtagh say? "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!" Pop in Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back and you will see Vader telling Luke the EXACT same thing!
Bizarro Paolini is also pure of heart because I can only assume that Real Paolini sold his soul to the devil during the homeschool hours that his parents weren't watching. Why do I think that Real Paolini sold his soul to the devil? How else do you explain his position on the bestseller charts? Only supernatural evil powers could make so many people buy (much less read) such a piecee of junk.
I believe that Bizarro Paolini is working on some small-town bookstore. Kindly assisting customers and writing on his lunch break. He smiles but there's a bit of sadness in his eye... He sees his evil twin's success and pride and knows that one day he must battle him. Bizarro Paolini, I will stand by you on that day. I swear it.
If anyone wants to know more about my reasons for believing in a Bizarro Christopher Paolini, read about the first occurance of a Bizarro-person here.
Or if you're secretly evil, Click Here for a special message from Real (Evil) Christopher Paolini.
Above: A rare sighting of Bizarro Paolini as he wanders the earth, biding his time...
15 Comments:
I totally know what you mean. My silly mom bought it and gave it to me to read. I knew it was going to be bad when I asked her how it was and she just shrugged and said "it's okay."
Not only was Eragon less than okay, it was a cliche of fantasy story I have ever loved and cherished.
If it gets made into a movie, I'll scream.
You better start screeming, Sadie.
Allow me to applaud you. That was truly inspiring and amazing.
Oh GAAAAAAAG!!
I can't say I didn't expect this. Paolini wrote this book with the movie playing out in his head. He didn't write this book to entertain the masses with the written word--this was a carefully crafted and executed marketing scheme...
Yuck!
How we not no if yu mite be evel Bizarro Levi, jus jelus of kristafer? Hmmm?
Boy, I don't even know who the real Christopher is, let alone the bizarro Christopher! I guess I should get out more...at least to the local bookstore...
Levi - Now you got me wondering. I thought Bizarro was from a square planet. I didn't know he was a bad creation of Lex Luthor. Was the cartoon Superfriends wrong? If so, I want my money back.
Zombie: Actually you're right, Bizarro did live on a sqaure planet but he was created by Lex Luthor in a failed attempt to clone Superman.
David & everyone else who's confused: Sorry about the weirdness of this post. Let me explain myself. There is really no such thing as Bizarro Paolini. I came up with the idea the other day when I was thinking of how much I disliked the fantasy author, Christopher Paolini's books and it hit me that the perfect author would be his exact opposite. And because Superman has an exact opposite (Bizarro Superman) the idea of Bizarro Paolini was born. Does that clear it up a little?
I beileve in the bizzaro christipher levi! We will find him one day!
Levi - Sorry, but more questions. How did Bizarro end up on a square planet? Was the square planet a creation of Lex Luthor too, or did he just find a square planet and call it home?
And what's the deal with Lois Lane on Bizarro's square planet? In the Superfriends cartoon, his square planet was full of Bizarro Supermans and Lois Lanes.
Levi,
Today at work this guy was reading the second earagon book, "endquest" or some lame title like that. It was sad to see yet another silly american duped into thinking that these books are original and good. I casually asked him what he thought of the book ect. And yes, he seemed sort of impressed by it. *sigh * it was painfull to witness the horror that american's novel taste has become.
Zombie: you've come to the right place with your questions. Bizarro found the sqaure planet and made it his home (because it was the opposite of a round planet, fitting in to Bizarro's general philosophy of life). The other Bizarros and Bizarro Lois were created because Bizarro stole the cloning machine from Lex Luthor and used it to create a Bizarro-clone of Lois and duplicate himself multipule times.
Roz: I hear you. To add insult to injury, I glanced at yahoo news this weekend and what was their top headline? "21-year-old enjoys otherworldly success." You can guess who the 21-year-old was.
Thanks Levi. That clears up something I've been wondering for the past twenty or thirty years (or however it's been since The Superfriends was on TV).
I'm so glad I wasn't the only one to think this book was horrible. Although I didn't finish it, so I never saw the word-for-word Star Wars quoting, it's nice to know I wasn't the only one who thought it was a very bad copy of several good originals. And a big double "ugh" for the fact that it's going to be a movie.
Anonymous: Hear, hear. The movie just adds insult to injury.
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