Levi's Most-overrated Movie Awards

All right... I'm a little nervous posting this after the hubbub my last post caused. Let me just say that I'm sorry If my choices hurt you -- but the truth can hurt.

If you have any suggestions, please let me know and I'll add them.

So without further adieu, here's the awards.

1. The English Patient
   
   How do you take an actor as cool as Ralph Fiennes and a setting as exciting as WWII, beautiful women and make it all utterly tedious, unappealing and boring? Answer: The English Patient. Watching this movie is like getting a massage by Edward Scissorhands.
   
   How did this film win Best Picture? Looking at the other nomeniees gives me a clue: "Fargo", "Jerry Maguire", "Secrets and Lies", "Shine". Jeeze. Not best year for Hollywood, was it? Still, one second of Fargo is better then the million-hour length of The English Patient.
   
   Director/Writer Anthony Minghella seems to have either bought off movie critics, or generated sympathy on account of his weird last name. You'll notice that he's the guy responsible for the universally-loved Cold Mountain. - Wait. That movie stank too.
   
   Joe put it perfectly:
   
   "This movie convinced me that the romance of two impertinent and aristocratic people isn't interesting, even if one of them is burned beyond recognition and the other dies in a plane crash."
   
   Well said Mr. Glenn.
   



2. Dances With Wolves
   
   Stupid, stupid, stupid. I saw this film in my movie-starved adolescence, when I thought Cool Runnings was awesome just because it was on a TV screen. Even then, I knew Dances With Wolves was lame.
   
   I think everyone was embarrassed that they gave this movie such accolades. Judging by what's happened to Kevin Costner's career after this film, they're taking their vengeance with the fury of a scorned woman. I forget, was Waterworld or The Postman nominated for anything?
   
   You know what would've made this movie great? If Kevin Costner changed the name to, Dances Naked with Angry Wolverines and based the plot around that. Now there's a movie that would be interesting.
   



3. Citizen Kane
   
   Here's where things get tricky. I think Citizen Kane is a good movie - very good. Orson Welles acts his rear off, the plot is interesting and it's nothing but lovely to look at. The reason I rate this so high is because whenever Hollywood-types refer to Citizen Kane they usually do so like this:
   
   "Oh Citizen Kane, the most glorious, wonderful, awe-inspiring, totally-awesome, brilliant, important, daring, cool movie of all time! I would cut out my own eyeballs, and sell my children as slaves to create a work of art that even approaches Citizen Kane."
   
   I'm here to announce that, sure it's a good movie -- but not the best. I watched it once and I'm perfectly content to leave it at that. People need to calm down about it.




4. Casablanca
   
   Another good movie that is not as good as everyone claims. I don't even think it's the best Bogart movie that I've seen. Is Casablanca better than, It Happened One Night, Roman Holiday, The Philadelphia Story or Some Like It Hot? I don't think so.
   
   


5. The Deer Hunter
   
   Another tedious, boring and horribly-long Best Picture. There's one or two good scenes in this marathon of a movie. What is it about Vietnam that breeds dumb films that critics love?
   
   
   


6. Fahrenheit 9/11
   
   overrated in so many ways.
   
   First in its impact on the election. When this film came out everyone was rubbing their hands saying things like, "Can George Bush overcome this film?" and "This may be the final blow for The President." As it turns out he did just fine.
   
   Secondly, how did a piece of corny leftist propaganda get an 84% percent positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes? Call me crazy, but this makes me think that some critics might lean left.
   
   



7. The Thin Red Line
   
   Embarrassingly enough, this movie came out the same year as Saving Private Ryan. Isn't that like releasing a new pocket calculator the same year that Apple releases the Macintosh?
   
   Maybe it was the random and pointless shots of wildlife, or the 10-second cameos by huge stars or Woody Harrelson blowing his butt off with a grenade (photo of the incident above) - this movie just didn't do it for me.
   
   For some reason, this film reminds me of what would happen if all us bloggers got together, went to a tropical island and decided to film a war movie. Everyone would feel sorry for us and out of sympathy call our film "A visually enchanting, philosophically murky meditation on war" and nominate it for Best Picture. But the end result would still suck and so does The Thin Red Line.
   
   



8. Remember the Titans
   
   
   "God help me, I hate you, little girl."
   
   The following is an excerpt from the screenplay of Remember The Titans.
   
   Football Player (cheering in joy as they win a football game): "Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaah!"
   Crowd (cheering in joy as their team wins a football game): "Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaah!"
   Black Football Player (using Mowtown music to bridge the gap between the races): "Aint no mountain high enough..."
   Football Player (abruptly getting hit by a car): "Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaarg!"
   
   For some reason, everyone but me and my family loves this movie. I remember renting it on the recommendation of countless of our friends. We put it in the VCR and about halfway through we began to verbally abuse the movie.
   
   This is not an "Inspirational and moving." film as Duane Dudek from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel would have you believe. Rather, it is silly and Motown-ridden.
   
   

And finally, a special category:
Movies, under-rated in their badness

I'm only going to add one movie to this category. In your comments please suggest movies and I'll add them until this is a vibrant, organic list!

1. The Buttercream Gang
   Scott, Pete, bubble-butts, Widow Jenkins... this is a classic of the genre. I'll never forget Pete's terrifying bread loaf rampage.
   
   Memorable Quote: "Hate you? Pete, why do you want me to hate you?"
   

That's all for now. Let me know what you think and give me your sugesstions.