Good commercials

Sadie recently mentioned that she wants to be the judge of good & bad commercials when she grows up. I thought I'd submit three of my all-time favorite commercials. These are about 4-5 years old but they're still great. And they're all from Fox Sports. I swear those guys need to give their advertising agency a raise.


Commercial 1: Spurs


Commercial 2: Jazz

(There's nothing familiar about those geeks is there?)


Commercial 3: Crowd Beating

Not bad, eh?

A retraction

It has come to the attention of the culturezoo editorial staff that writer Levi Nunnink insulted the customer service skills of local sporting goods store, Big 5 in a recent comment on Sadico Junction. It also came to the attention of culturezoo's editorial staff after the comment was posted that some of Levi Nunnink's friends and relations happen to work at Big 5 (including one Luke Ross, who is a gentleman and an all-around cool guy not to mention a probable customer-service master). It then came to the attention of culturezoo's editorial staff that it was probably a bad idea for Levi Nunnink to make the aforementioned disparaging comment.

The editorial staff would like to officially retract that comment and apologize for any offense it may have unintentionally caused.

Let me direct your attention to...

Ian's halarious post. Please read this.

That's all.

When I grow up too...

Inspired by Zombieslayer's great post when I grow up, I decided that when I grow up too I'm going to make a few rules on controlling who gets to be offended and who doesn't. Why? Because way too many people are offended nowadays. One crotchy atheist suddenly gets offended at a nativity scene that's been standing in the town square for sixty years and makes the town tear it down. (I'm probably stepping on some toes with this one but hang with me.) One lady gets offended by a demonic toy in K-Mart and sues. This must stop!

Being offended is hardly ever helps a situation.

For example, an atheist comes up to me and says: "You dumb, Christian! How can you believe in God that lets puppies eat generic dog food instead of name brand? You're all the same: Stupid, right-wing, bigots who want to bomb stores that sell Cosmo."

I have a choice at this point.

1) Be offended and reply, "You stupid heathen atheist! If there's no God then you shouldn't care if puppies have to eat bad dog food. Because, like the robots in Steven Spielberg's AI except for Halley Joel Osmont, an atheist cannot love!"

Or

2) I can not be offended and stay cool. I can walk away or, even better, say: "Whoa Bro,"-calling a guy bro always defuses the situation a little-"just calm down a bit. I'm sorry you feel that way. Let me buy you a non-alcoholic beer or a glass of non-fermented wine."

I'm in good company in my quest for non-offense: Jesus was against being offended. He even said that if someone slaps you in the face (a very offensive act when I last checked) to turn the other cheek!

So here's my rules to regulate offense:

1) You can be offended if you are willing to die to remove that which offends you.
Allowed: Osama bombs New York and that offends me so much that I'm willing to die, if necessary, to make sure that something like that never happens again. In this case I'm allowed to be offended.
Not Allowed: Someone insults me on my blog. I may want to be offended but I'm not willing to die so that person will never post again. In this case I just have to laugh it off and write a smiley face in my reply :) or quietly delete the post.

2) No one is allowed to be offended on behalf of someone else.
There's an awful lot of this going around these days.
Not allowed: I remember when me and my Mexican family were jokingly calling each other "wetbacks" and a non-Mexican friend took offense at that term because he thought it was demeaning of Mexicans. Sorry, bro, but that's not going to fly.
Special Exceptions: You are allowed to take offense on behalf of someone who is too weak to defend themselves, if physical harm is being threatened to that person. For example, when I was about ten years old, my younger cousin Walker was happily swinging on a rope swing in our yard that was attached to a tree. Suddenly an evil kid, who happened to be over at my house, ran up and shoved Walker headlong into the tree, making him crash into the dirt. I don't think I've ever been so offended. I just remember rushing to injured Walker's side all the while shouting abuse at Evil Kid. "I was just giving him a push," Evil Kid innocently explained. "Oh, yeah right!" I remember screaming. It was the meanest thing I could think of.

3) Absolutely no indignation. Indignation is offense's evil little brother.
Unlike offense, there are no excuses for indignation.
Example: When I was a kid my school principle was really mean and I was deathly afraid of her. (Actually I was homeschooled all my life so that's not true but it's easier to explain than the truth.). One day I was walking down the hall and I saw a large crowd of kids pressed around a cardboard box. They were giving away free t-shirts. Seeing as my mother always made me go to school naked (not true either but this story is sort-of fictional) I desperately wanted one of the t-shirts so I could cover myself. I made my way through the tight crowd of kids. They were packed around the box of t-shirts like sardines and it was tricky to squeeze my way in. "Excuse me?" I heard in my ear. I turned and my stomach did a backflip: There was my mean principle standing next to me. I had accidentally jostled her in my hunt for a t-shirt and INDIGNATION was etched into every line of her cruel face. I fell to my knees and begged for mercy but according to my rules her indignation was Not Allowed! Sorry.

4) You're allowed to be offended if someone's is talking in a movie theater during the movie.
In this case you're totally allowed to be offended but when I'm running things you won't even need to be offended for long because if anyone talks in a movie theater they will immediately be apprehended by my special task force. They will be sent to jail for 30 days and their movie-going privligies will be revoked for 10 years. If they repeat it's jail for life, baby!

So that's all. I've kept it simple with only four rules. I'm looking forward to growing up. What with me and Zombieslayer's new rules, things should be shaping up pretty quick.

Weekend happenings... Updated

Update: I fixed the audio link. Sorry about that.


Left to right: Jonah, Aaron and Bass-player Art make "Fresh Young Blood".

So this weekend I had an opportunity for a guy's night out and I decided to call my high school-best-friend/aspiring-rockstar pal, Jonah Wells whom I haven't spent time with in almost a year and see what he was up to. Turns out (as aspiring rockstars are wont to do) he was playing a show at a local bar with another old pal, my cousin Aaron (it's a small town). I'm not a guy who frequents bars but I thought that it would be worth it to hang with some old friends. I had a great time but afterwards I still don't "get" the whole bar thing.

First, this bar was dirty. Aaron pointed this out, saying: "This place is dirty. It's disgusting. I feel like the bartender could scrub the floors with a toothbrush and bleach and it would still be dirty. There's nothing anyone can do about it. It's gone too far for cleaning."

Second, everyone was drunk. "Duh," you say. "It's a bar." Yes, but I don't like "everyone is drunk" situations. I'm not a drinker (I've never been able to enjoy the taste of beer) and I think to enjoy an "everyone is drunk" situation you have to be a part of the "everyone". You won't have a good time if you're a sober father-of-two, trying to ignore the raucous dancing by women that look like your mom. I hope I don't sound stuck-up because I understand that there's a wholesome side to going out and having a few beers with your pals. But I'm just not experienced at it and I don't think I'll ever be.

I did enjoy Jonah and Aaron's band "Fresh Young Blood". My cousin Aaron is sickeningly talented and he's probably the best singer that I know personally. Jonah is an animal on the drums and it's always fun to watch him play. I think Aaron is secretly the happiest guy I know because only someone really happy would want to write such dark lyrics. If they're in your area go see them. You won't be sorry.

Listen to Fresh Young Blood on MySpace

After the show me Aaron and Jonah were standing outside the bar when a classic "drunk guy" walked up to Jonah and proceeded to have the following conversation while bear-hugging him and wringing his hand in a sloppy handshake:

CLASSIC DRUNK GUY: "You guys rocked, man."

JONAH: "Thanks."

CLASSIC DRUNK GUY: "Dude you look like Kurt Cobain." (Makes bowing, "I'm not worthy," motion.) "Kurt's the master, man."

JONAH: "Thanks."

CLASSIC DRUNK GUY: "But I have one suggestion. At the end of one song - I don't remember which one - you need to say EPIPHANY."

Jonah: "Epiphany?"

CLASSIC DRUNK GUY (to Aaron, who's trying not to look like the lead singer): "HEY! You're the lead singer! Man, you've got to say 'Epiphany' at the end of that song... I swear it would make that song. I don't remember which one. It was about war or something but just let it ring out and... Epiphany!"

AARON: Nods.

CLASSIC DRUNK GUY (releasing Jonah's hand and stumbling away): "Remember: epiphany. It'll be a hit!"

I guess that's the third reason to not like bars: You have way to many people trying to get you to randomly insert the word "epiphany" into your lyrics.

My quest for Bizarro Christopher Paolini

Above: Evil, evil Real Christopher Paolini.

I have embarked on a search for the perfect author. He is Bizarro Christopher Paolini.

Bizarro Christopher Paolini is the exact opposite of the real Christopher Paolini (pictured above). Bizarro Christopher Paolini was created when Lex Luthor tried to clone the real Christopher Paolini in a secret lab but something went wrong and Bizarro Paolini emerged from the cloning vat. The clone shared similar characteristics in looks and interests but was very different in talent and attitude.

For example Bizarro Paolini is humble whereas Real Paolini states:

"In my writing, I strive for a lyrical beauty somewhere between Tolkien at his best and Seamus Heaney's translation of Beowulf."

Bizarro Paolini is also an original writer. His stories aren't complete rip-offs of Star Wars like Real Paolini. As one disappointed Amazon reviewer stated after reading Real Paolini's latest novel:

...at the end when Murtagh tells Eragon they are brothers, Eragon denies it and then what does Murtagh say? "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!" Pop in Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back and you will see Vader telling Luke the EXACT same thing!

Bizarro Paolini is also pure of heart because I can only assume that Real Paolini sold his soul to the devil during the homeschool hours that his parents weren't watching. Why do I think that Real Paolini sold his soul to the devil? How else do you explain his position on the bestseller charts? Only supernatural evil powers could make so many people buy (much less read) such a piecee of junk.

I believe that Bizarro Paolini is working on some small-town bookstore. Kindly assisting customers and writing on his lunch break. He smiles but there's a bit of sadness in his eye... He sees his evil twin's success and pride and knows that one day he must battle him. Bizarro Paolini, I will stand by you on that day. I swear it.

If anyone wants to know more about my reasons for believing in a Bizarro Christopher Paolini, read about the first occurance of a Bizarro-person here.

Or if you're secretly evil, Click Here for a special message from Real (Evil) Christopher Paolini.


Above: A rare sighting of Bizarro Paolini as he wanders the earth, biding his time...

A dumb poem

Is this the most pointless poem ever? And why did I write - much less post it? I have no idea.

Creeping over a landscape of silhouettes when I,
Laid a look on the moon’s white eye
It asked, “Why do you go this way of dirt and cacti?”
“For a pretty girl,” I replied.
“For a pretty girl,” said I.

“She must be as fair as a blossom in spring,” she he (the moon, I mean)
“for you to lope along the path, bereft of brook or stream.”
“Ah, moon,” I did laugh, “your eyes must be withered and lean.”
“for I’m standing by a cool creek, in which does your light gleam.”
“In which does your light gleam.”

“Upon my word!” the moon did bleat. “My eyes have done me wrong.”
“Go thy way, ugly-headed-lad, I think I’ll write a song.”
And so I did walk the land, ‘tween shadows thin and long.
Until I found the door of my girl, pretty as a song.
Pretty as a song.

Please forget you saw this and read the next post. It's much more worthwhile.

Best album booklets...

I'm feeling well enough to hack out a post today and Sister-in-law Rebecca suggested that I do a Top 10 post because "those are always fun". Rebecca, I take some serious offense to that statement. You seem to be under the impression that I choose the content I post on culturezoo based on how "fun" it will be. HAH! Did you ever consider that I have a strict, laborious process of scrutiny, revision and more revision for each and every post. I spent eight hours on yesterday's "Sick" post, for crying out loud! Each word analyzed, revised, weighed against proven philosophical and theological theorem... Oh but if it's "fun" I should post it, right? Um... I guess you're right.

So here's a top ten list: 10 Best Album Booklets

As much as I love iTunes Music Store and Mp3s there's one thing that I'll always miss when I don't buy an album by hand: The Booklets. To me, the booklet is more than just a cover slapped on a piece of music so you can read the lyrics and know the tracklists, it's an extension of the music (at least, it should be). A good booklet becomes the face for the music and it tells you a little bit about how the artists see the album in their eyes. There's a lot of lousy booklet-design that you can tell some record label stooge hacked out without even listening to the album, but there's also a wealth of great design. These are the top-10 CD/album booklets that made an impression on me, starting from least to greatest:


10) The Joy Electric Discography:
Joy Electric is not my favorite band but their booklets are always jaw-droppingly great. It seems like they told the design studio, "just make something great".




9) Tooth and Nail: Artcore Vol 1 & 2
"But, Levi," you might exclaim in indignation. "Those covers aren't very good!" Ah young one, I chuckle and reply, Good design does not a good booklet make. The reason these booklets were my favorite was because they were compilations of unsigned-band demos that the owner of Tooth and Nail Records, Brandon Ebel had received in the mail. Brandon decided to release these demos in the two Artcore compilations but the cool part is he wrote notes about each band and song in the booklet with little anecdotes and stories. I used to read those notes over and over, dreaming that someday Mr. Ebel would be writing about my band in such familiar terms. The music on the compilations is great too.


8) Green Day: Dookie
I've never been a huge Green Day fan but I liked Dookie when I was younger (who didn't) and I always thought that the booklet was great.


7) The Clash: London Calling
This cover just sticks in your head. It's very dramatic, punk and memorable.


6) The Seventy Sevens: Sticks and Stones
A collection of B-Sides and other unreleased songs that turned out to be The Seventy Sevens best album. Instead of lyrics, each song gets a detailed history in the booklet. I've read it countless times.


5) Prodigy: The Fat of the Land
I never liked this album but I'll never forget this cover. I remember walking through record connection and that cover just catching and holding my eye. There's just so much energy and color. It's probably the best cover photo ever.


4) Radiohead: OK Computer/Kid A
I go back and forth with Radiohead. One day I think they're brilliant then the next day I think they're pretentious, over-hyped dorks. Nevertheless they have some amazing album artwork that is almost as much a part of their identity as their music. It's just like radiohead: dark, beautiful, electronic and hard to understand.



3) The Cure: Wish
I'm not sure about the meaning behind Wish's booklet art - the scrawled-eyes attached to fingers - but it's great. It's whimsical and dreamy, just like the music on Wish. What a great album.



2) U2: Pop/All That You Can't Leave Behind
You can tell that U2 puts an amazing amount of thought into each booklet that they design just because each one is so detailed. And none more than Pop and All That You Can't Leave Behind. And they're both so different from eachother. One is over-the-top, colorful and gaudy. The other is subtle, monochrome and simple. Both are great.



And now for numero uno...

The Smashing Pumpkins: Melon Collie and the Infinite Saddness
This will always be the standard of booklet design for me. The double-cd came with not one but two booklets; one for the artwork and credits and the other for the lyrics. They were both so detailed and intricate. Every song had its own intricate illustration to go with the words. I think I loved the artwork for this album as much as the music. Or, in truth, you really can't separate the two. They don't make 'em like this anymore.





So what are you're favorite album covers or booklets? What are the ones that you'd hang on your wall or stare at for hours? Let hear them. (Please no boy bands.)

Sick...

Sorry about the lack of posting but I've been sick for the past few days. Tomorrow I think I should be better and I'll rise up like a phoenix to write a full-length post. Until then I'm going to bed.

And in lighter news...

I'm entranced by Coheed and Cambria's new bizarrely-titled album: Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through The Eyes of Madness. Yes that's it's name.

Coheed and Cambria are quickly becoming my favorite metal band since The Smashing Pumpkin's' demise. In many ways they're similar to the Pumpkins. I remember the first time I heard Billy Corgan singing I thought "What the heck? This can't be serious". I had the same reaction to Claudio Sanchez (C&C's lead singer) when I first heard him on the radio. His voice is very high. It almost sounds like he's been sucking helium. You have to get used to it before you can appreciate the rest of the music. The second time I heard The Smashing Pumpkins I was hooked on Corgan's voice and the same thing happened with Coheed & Cambria. Now it's my favorite part of their sound.

Speaking of their sound, it gets hard to classify. There's times when they sound emo-ish and then they stray into punk grooves. And this latest album is very metal/prog-rock. But whatever the case they're always beautifully melodic. My lovely wife is into them too (she has the most random musical tastes, I've given up trying to figure them out), so I'm assuming that they're not just a guy band.

Finally, one of the coolest parts about their music is that it's all a sci-fi story. Each album is a chapter in an elaborate plot that centers around two superheros named Coheed and Cambria (hence the band name) and their quest to save the universe. Admittadly , plot details are really hard to understand just from the lyrics and whenever Claudio explains some of it, I end up more confused. To help out puzzled fans like me they're publishing an independent comic book that tells the story in detail. I haven't read it so I can't recommend it but it does stir the geek in me.

Zombieslayer, I specifically think that you'd probably like these guys.

I've provided a few previews of their music so you all can judge for yourself. And really give Claudio's voice a chance.

Click here to listen to "A Flavor House Atlantic" from In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3. This is the song that first turned me on to them. It's not their best but it's a good start.

Click here to listen to "Welcome Home", the first single from their latest album. This is more in the metal vein of C&C but still good.

One final warning: They do have some swear words in the lyrics and, as this is a comic book story, there are some descriptions of violence in the lyrics. In each case it's nothing extreme (there's at most five swear words on each album) but it did seem to warrant a Parental Advisory on the latest album. Proceed with good judgment and if in doubt ask your parents.

Lessons from the chaos...

For all its warts, the government really does protect us. Surprisingly enough, it protects us from ourselves. Look what happens when the rule of law disappears. People loot, fight and even attack at their only hope of help. Scary stuff.


For all of mankind's power we are nothing compared to nature. Just weeks ago, walking through San Francisco, I was just amazed that humans could build the things I saw: Huge bridges, skyscrapers, wharves, technology. The future is here, I remember oxymoronically thinking. Then to see an American city like New Orleans literally destroyed by nature... It's an ego check.


Terri Jones tries to cool fellow flood victim Dorthy Divic, 89, who was over heated and exausted at the convention center in New Orleans.

Just as it brings out worst, tragedy brings out the best in us. You can almost see good and evil battling in New Orleans. For every gang fight, robbery and assault there's a neighbor helping his neighbor. There's someone risking their life to save a stranger.

And for every tragedy there's some hack-philosopher piping up with his opinion. I'll shut up now and here's a link for everyone who wants to help their neighbor: http://www.networkforgood.org/. And let's all keep the people of New Orleans and surrounding areas in our prayers.